Star Wars : Revenge of the Scruffy-looking Nerf Herders

The Night Vader Came Home

by, Jonathan Foster

It was a cool October eve, the day before Halloween. Wind whistled down from the vast mountain landscape of Alderaan, and the leaves in the forest had all turned Maz Kanata orange (Ashoka Tano). There was a disturbance in the palace grounds on this day, as a 16-year-old Princess Leia was being given a browbeating by her stupid adoptive father, Viceroy Bail Organa, on the importance of being a responsible adult.

“Gosh, why can’t I just go to the Galactic mall and hang out with my friends, like a normal teenager?”, exclaimed Leia. “You can’t just keep me locked up here my entire life with only my ladybug droid to keep me company!”

“Dear child,” says Viceroy Organa, as he rests his black knee-high boot on edge of the step Leia is sitting on, “I know you’re upset with your mother and I, but the Rebel Alliance is planning a big mission. We’ve finally located the plans for the Death Star. You, as a politician-in-training, should be invested in this great news. Many lives are lost every day so that you can afford to keep that droid of yours up and running.”

Just as the Viceroy says this, a tired, weak Lola flutters into the courtyard. In her advance years, she makes a sound as if she were but a tin can hurtling through the air with nothing but rusty nails inside. As she reaches where the Viceroy and the Princess are sitting, she spurts out an obscene amount of oil and one of her wings dislodges, causing the poor droid to fall to the stone lined ground.

“Oh, Lola!”, Leia frowns.

“See, child,” proclaims the Viceroy. “You can’t even keep your droid properly maintained with the allowance you are given. Your mother and I won’t BAIL you out this time. You will just have to get a job, if you don’t want this to be the last flight of your dear droid.”

Leia frowns at the Viceroy.

The next day, after calling in a few favours, Queen Breha managed to secure the young princess a babysitting job on the Planet of Tatooine, to look after a young boy named Luke, son of farmers Owen and Beru Lars, who were off to a Moisture Farming convention in Mos Eisley for the evening. As the Princess was exiting the atmosphere of Alderaan in her brand-new Corellian corvette headbanging to the latest record by Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, the distracted teenager didn’t notice a TIE Fighter piloted by an ominous, dark figure in her pursuit. *Vader breathe*

Leia reaches the sand planet of Tatooine in record time, a trip that should have taken 4 days, was accomplished in like an hour. This is what is called manipulating the narrative. That, or I was too lazy to go back and make the story start 4 days earlier. Either way, Leia enters the Tatooine airspace and makes her way to the wastelands of Jundland.

The Princess lands outside the Lars Homestead and exits her craft.

“Gosh, what a dump this planet is. Nothing but savage sand people and womp rats. Can’t wait to see what kind of gene pool this poor kid Larry was plucked from,” says the Princess as she begins to knock on the door to the domed house.

A dusty blonde-headed boy answers, and looks at the Princess with mouth agape. He looks her down from her cinnamon bun adorned head to her white boot covered feet. The boy quickly diverts his gaze to the two suns in the distance, as he pulls down the front of his robe to cover up the crotch of his bleached out Levis. The pain of the twin stars burning and blinding his retinas was worth it, to avoid such embarrassment again in front of the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

“C…Come in,” the haggard boy says, as he waves in the Princess. “Look, I don’t need a babysitter. My parents are just worried because there have been a few home invasions by the Sand People lately, and they don’t want me to get into any mischief. I’m perfectly fine taking care of myself.”

“Well,” replies Leia, “I had no intention of looking after you anyway. Besides, you look like you are older than me. You should really be using sunblock out here in this desert. Look Larry, just leave me alone, I’m gonna go watch a horror movie, eat some popcorn, and collect this easy money, so I can fix my droid.” The Princess pulls Lola out of her holster. “Why don’t you go carve a pumpkin, or whatever you nerfherders do here on Tatooine for Halloween.”

“Hallo-what? Uh… I can probably fix that droid for you. And the name is Luke,” exclaims Luke, as he watches the Princess saunter off in the living quarters.

The Princess, chucking the droid over her shoulder to the soiled boy, “Thanks, Larry!”

An hour later, Luke is in the garage putting the final touches on Lola. The droid beeps into action and flutters around the filthy boy, as if she were a newly hatched butterfly taking its first flight. The unwashed boy smiles as he watches the droid twirl around his head, until outside the window his eyes catch a glance of a large black, ominous figure.

“L-L-Leia!”, the sooty boy screams!

“What do you want, nerd? Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone? I’m trying to watch my movie,” Leia retorts from the other room.

Just then, the greasy boy sprints into the living quarters and screams, “I think I just saw the boogeyman!”

“Boogeyman?”, questions Leia. “What the hell are you on about, kid?

“Outside the window, standing in front of the house”, the dishevelled boy gasps, as he pushed his oily hair from his eyes. “There was the boogeyman.”

Leia let out a big huff, as she rose from her chair, frowning, to see what the boy was so worked up about. Just as she was about to enter the garage, an explosion of noise occurred, when the door to the moisture farm was blown in from the outside, and in walked the massive, black, ominous figure.

The figure walked up to the pair of teens, breathing loudly through a black space mask, making the most horrible sound they had ever heard. *Vader breathe*

“You should really stop smoking”, Leia shouts, as Luke rans towards the figure as if to attack. The figure quickly sends the mucky boy flying against the wall without even laying a finger on him.

A concerned Leia looks at the figure, “What powers are these. Are you one of those Jedi? I knew a man like this once. His name was Juan Kenoben, I think”

Just then, the figure holds up his hand to the Princess as if he was going to strangle her from across the room. The Princess began to struggle, clutching her neck as she choked from this mysterious witchcraft. The figure used his other hand to pull a dildo-like object from his belt. He pressed a button on the side and a long, glowing red beam of light extended from its shaft.

Out of nowhere, several shots were fired from outside into the farm house, and struck the figure in his chest, causing an odd spark to emit from the box adorning his outfit, and sent the figure to the ground. An old man, outside the door, looked down the barrel of a blaster pistol at the damage he caused. He rushed inside to the Princess who, with tears in her eyes, was seeing to the grubby boy who was barely conscious, half inserted into the cheap plaster walls of the house.

“Hello, there.” said the old man, “Are you okay, child?”

The Princess looked up at the old hermit, “Was that the boogeyman?”

“As a matter of fact, it was, child”, replied the geezer.

He turned to see the figure was no longer lying in the doorway of the house. He ran to the exit and saw the injured figure climb into the TIE fighter.

“Anakin”, shouts the old man, “He's gone! He's gone from here! The evil is gone!”

The princess openly sobs, as she is sat in the hallway of the grimy boy’s home.

END